Fear

 I was never really scared of death. If anyone was to ask me what my biggest fear was, I would usually just say growing up, or something usual, like insects. I never really realized that the fear of growing up, indirectly related to the fear of losing someone.

Growing up, I never experienced death firsthand. I would hear about people who I was not close to, passing away, their families grieving. None of it affected me. I didn't know them, what's the point of crying over something that doesn't affect you. 

I've always lived in a very comfortable bubble. While my family is really big, I only ever grew up around a few of them. So anything that wasn't related to them, I didn't care about. This made my childhood a great one, what I didn't know was that everything good comes to an end. 

In this bubble of mine, I failed to realize that people close to me can die too. It's not always that one distant aunt or uncle, it can be anyone around you. 

I believe it was when I first experienced this, when I lost someone dear to me to this inevitable phenomenon, is what burst that bubble of comfort. It felt like nothing really mattered. What was the point of trying it it was all to come to an end anyway.

So instead of facing this fear head on, I did what would be labelled as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I ignored it. I refused to realize that I had just lost someone I looked up to and adored. It wasn't that they were gone from my life, they just lived far away and I wasn't able to visit them very often. That's it, phobia solved right?

But the obvious prevailed. Ignoring the truth never helped anybody, just like it didn't help me. Burying the feelings within me seemed to work fine in the beginning. But I started having these short bursts of extreme emotions. It could show up in the form of anger or sadness but whenever it did, it seemed to drain all the energy out of me. 

When I would accidentally slip up and remember that I did lose someone, the emotions would come crashing down and I would hysterically sob, feeling completely drained both mentally and physically. But just as how suddenly it came, it would go away too. 

To date, I don't think I am very good at dealing with emotions. If they can be ignored, I will do my best to bury them deep within. It's easier that way for me. But I have grown up enough to know it's not the best way to deal with things, and I acknowledge that. 

As I go through the major checkpoints of my life, these fears return. Growing up, leaving home, starting a new chapter of your life, no one can prepare you for these things. For now, the best I can do is to just let things find their course and I hope that one day I would be strong enough to pave my own way.